Mother’s Day Mixed Feelings

It’s Mother’s Day.

I was thinking I should write something, because well, it’s Mother’s Day, and as an adoptee I might have mixed feelings. I do have mixed feelings today, but not because it’s Mother’s Day. I have pretty clear cut feelings about Mother’s Day. I have fairly clear cut feelings these days when I think about my mom*.

I’m sad. Sad because our time was cut short. (She died of breast cancer when I was 10.) Sad because I am accomplishing these adult milestones and she is not here. I’m not sure we ever get over wanting to make our mom’s proud. Sad because I feel like I’m forgetting her. That my memories are really only memories of stories, photographs, other people’s memories. I’m sad for all the times that I wasn’t sad because I was too busy repressing my emotions.

Repressed emotions are never good. They only come up later, with a vengeance, and at the most in opportune times. It’s so much better to feel what you feel even if you’re not immediately sure what it is you’re feeling. Sometimes you have to sit with your emotions until they unfold. That’s what I am doing now. Sitting. Waiting for the emotions to present themselves.

No, not about my mom. Those emotions are clearly, sometimes painfully, identified.

Neither about my biological mother. Those emotions were resentment, anger, confusion, fleeting.

And not about all the moms who have welcomed me and cared for me, carried me, throughout the years. That emotion is gratitude.

No, I’m waiting for emotions about my father, who is “seriously” involved with a woman, who lives halfway across the world, who he is about to go visit/live with/marry.

Yes, I have so many feelings. Feelings that I have come to understand and accept, and feelings that are yet to be fully felt. And so I sit.

But I wish my mother were here to sit with me.

 

 

* referring to my mother who raised me. not biological mother.

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